Friday, 26 August 2016
82 Generic White Guy Names And What They Say About His Personality
82 Generic White Guy Names And What They Say About His Personality
1. Todd: Wears loafers. Knows specifically what Ralph Lauren line looks best on him.
2. Garrett: Wears glasses, doesn’t need them.
3. Will: From the Northeast, played lacrosse in high school and thought he would be recruited, but wasn’t. Always slightly shorter than you want him to be.
4. Chad: Evil.
5. Brian: Super picky eater. His girlfriend will always end up financially supporting him.
6. Bryan: Totally different from Brian. Wears a lot of Hawaiian shirts.
7. Ryan: Never texts you back because he’s perpetually on some “comedy tour.”
8. Ross: Not conventionally attractive, but super fucking funny.
9. Chase: Joined, like, a super niche indie band and plays the bagpipes and some other instrument nobody has ever heard of. Lives in Europe now because “Europeans appreciate the arts.” Whatever, Chase.
10. Colin: Lives in Patagonia fleeces, no matter what temperature it is outside.
11. Greg: That guy who shows up uninvited to things. The target to be roasted in all group texts. Handles it like a champ.
12. Phillip: Literally always at GameStop.
13. Kurt: You’re friends with him because he has a car and never seems to be doing anything so he always will give you a ride.
14. Connor: Perpetually heartbroken.
15. Jack: Republican.
16. John: Got straight-As in high school and then started drinking in college. Hasn’t stopped drinking since.
17. Ian: Plays World of Warcraft and drinks Monster energy drinks. Still.
18. Spencer: Went surfing once, puts the surfer guy emoji next to his name when he puts his name into your phone.
19. Martin: Is uncomfortable not wearing some kind of argyle print somewhere on his person.
20. Adam: He’s that guy who comments in public Facebook event pages why he can’t attend. Adam, nobody in “The Chainsmoker’s: Metro Nashville Area” cares that you’re bummed you can’t go because you’ll be visiting family in Seattle that weekend.
21. Rob: …
22. Cam: Always texts you about wanting to drop acid on a weekday.
23. Cameron: Puts “Feminist” in his dating app profiles so he can get laid.
24. Josh: You probably met him at a music festival. He will use any opportunity given to take his shirt off. He owns and wears colored, plastic wayfarers.
25. Jeremy: Only owns sleeveless shirts.
26. Aaron: Uses Magnum condoms, doesn’t have to.
27. Chaz: Always trying to bring “Chaz” back.
28. Austin: Works at Equinox, didn’t actually *officially* graduate from USC (one unit short). Every profile picture he has on Facebook is with girls.
29. Jared: Loves vodka Red Bulls a little too much.
30. Michael: Peaked in high school, officially the worst now.
31. Mike: Will shame you for getting too drunk.
32. Matthew: Always threatens to “write about you” in his future book.
33. Matt: Hits on girls who are way out of his league.
34. Paul: Has a 401k straight out of college. Has a Bible verse tattooed somewhere.
35. Blake: Will literally do anything to make people laugh at parties. Once licked a banana slug on a dare.
36. Dillon: Thinks he’s a lot hotter than he actually is. Never successfully uses “there/their/they’re” correctly.
37. Dylan: Parents are stoners.
38. Dave: A “you don’t seeing it coming” fuck boy.
39. Daniel: Somehow always playing an acoustic guitar.
40. Dan: Hot. Can cook.
41. Sam: Constantly telling people that he’s a really good guy. He’s pretty mediocre.
42. Stewart: Wears a lot of sweater vests.
43. Alex: Will sing for a girl on the first date.
44. Alexander: Has been doodling anime on random pieces of paper since he was in 5th grade.
45. Alec: He invites you to his DJ gigs all the time.
46. Beau: Total goofball.
47. Zachary: Big fan of Family Guy.
48. Ben: You can’t say anything bad about him, but at the same time…You can’t really find anything great to say about him either?
49. Derek: Still in his skateboarding phase.
50. Tom: Gets, like, personally offended when people cheat or play even the simplest games “the wrong way.” Used to cry when his middle school basketball team lost.
51. Jim: Peaked playing intramural frisbee in college.
52. James: Either is British or wants to be British.
53. Zack: Raised in a super nice upper-middle class suburb and got two girls (who were friends) pregnant.
54. Mark: Accidentally snuck into a really cool group of friends. Nobody knows how.
55. Jesse: He loves the Fast and Furious franchise.
56. Billy: Peaked when he was 14, still acts like he is 14.
57. Dick: Lives up to his name.
58. Jeffrey: Reeeeeally loves his Mom.
59. Reid: Named his bong Mike Wazowski.
60. Alan: Always sounds like he’s talking through his nose.
61. Andrew: The guy you fall in love with. Wears a lot of flannel.
62. Kyle: Wears white mid-calf socks, no matter the occasion.
63. Jason: Wants to date you, but you don’t want to date him.
64. Jacob: Constantly talking about how much he loves San Fransisco. Can speak French.
65. Jake: Instantly tells you you’re splitting the check at dinner.
66. Nathan: Does improv.
67. Eric: Always wants to take you on a hike. Loves to bring his golden retriever who is “great off leash.”
68. Erik: Constantly telling you it’s “Erik with a K.” Thinks he’s the most unique person in the world. Always in a beanie.
69. Steve: Super into climbing. Just a touch granola, but it would take getting to know him really well to figure that out.
70. Stephen: Went to Duke, won’t shut up about it.
71. Steven: Cannot help himself and needs to argue with people in the comments section of things.
72. Travis: Has a butt chin.
73. Trevor: Has an Apple Watch.
74. Brady: Great Instagram aesthetic. Lots of pictures of him on a boat.
75. Brenden: Wrote you a song about how he loves you.
76. Kevin: Settles down really fast, is the first of his friends to be a father.
77. Ethan: Will wear a backwards hat until he is 45.
78. Tucker: Shaves his head whenever his sports team wins anything.
79. Nick: Constantly refers to himself as a “legend,” rarely does anything that qualifies as legendary.
80. Chris: Your boss.
81. Peter: Refers to sex as “making love.”
82. Patrick: Likes every post you put on your social media.
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